I should have been a gossip queen

MAYOR JOHNSON'S FEDORA HAS A FEATHER! DOES HE PLAN TO TICKLE OUR FANCIES WITH IT, OR IS THERE A SINISTER HIDDEN MEANING? FIND OUT, NEEXXXXXXT, ON RAY'S SAVANNAH RAG!!!!

Coming to conclusions that you are, and have been for a very long time, wrong are very often difficult to swallow. The realization that the Braves aren't going to the World Series every year hurts the heck out of a little Georgia kid. Figuring out that the nice-looking girl in high school will never give a hoot in Hades about you is hormonally painful. Discovering that your war against eating beets and turnip greens was a lifelong exercise in futility is deliciously wrong, but wrong nonetheless, and who wants to be wrong?

I discovered this morning that I not only was wrong again, but that I have been wrong for the entire 15 years I have spent in news. All this time, I thought I was supposed to be pursuing news. It turns out I should have continued to pursue my youthful affinity for being Mr. Gossip.

GNATE THE GNAT, UNMASKED. IS HE REALLY A SKEETER? THE LARVAL TRUTH, NEXXXXTTTT!

This latest profundity smacked me in the medulla oblongata this morning while perusing the top news stories of the day. The top story; what appears to be the tragic disappearance of a jetliner carrying 228 people, justifiably the biggest story in the world. The second biggest story; General Motors filing for bankruptcy? Nope. The murder of a late-term abortion doctor in Kansas? Nada. Today is the first day of hurricane season and you will die, your kids will get swine flu, and your cheese will get moldy if you don't tune to your super duper officially official hurricane station? Not even close. According to all the "news" networks and shows, the story that could only be upstaged by a possible plane crash was news that Susan Boyle had to be taken to the hospital.

What, you haven't heard of Susan Boyle? Well, the news channels say, you just aren't hip are you? I bet you don't even Facebook or stay glued to your smart phone all day or Twit on Tweeter, or Tweet on Twitter, whatever it's called. Dad gummit, you need to keep up with the gossip if you're going to be one of the cool kids according to today's "news media". Susan Boyle is the lady on the show "Britain's Got Talent" who came out of Nowhere, Great Britain to be the You Tube sensation of 2009 with her gorgeous voice that, the media suggest, doesn't match her physical appearance.

SONNY DIXON TO BE REPLACED BY THE MUPPET NEWS FLASH MAN, OR ARE THE MUPPETS TAKING MANHATTON INSTEAD??? MAH-NA MAH-NA INDEED!! NEXXXXTT!

Poor Susan has been followed by every "news" organization obsessively since she burst on the scene, so much so that she justifiably went ballistic on some of the muckrackers. Reports indicated that some "reporters" were greeted with Susan's fickle finger of fate, and that at times the only words eminating from her golden throat were colored blue. Last night came the "media's" grandest dream of all, as Ms. Boyle finished 2nd in the "Britain's Got Talent" finals, then was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion." How was this "reported?" A composite of the "news" this morning was..."This ugly woman who sang really purty was a nut job after all." No they didn't say it that way, but that's exactly what they meant. And were it not for a jumbo jet disappearing, this would have been the number one news story of the day.

What a sweet life the gossip "reporter" has. They can invent things out of thin air, give the info to the public, and when anyone questions their story, they can cite their anonymous "sources" who claim the information is chastity-belt ironclad. The gossipist is then lustily used as an "expert" by "news" shows and organizations, as was the case with Susan Boyle this morning.

So henceforth, my career shall take a new path. I will use my "sources" to give me information leading to the misleading headlines above, and I will finally be rich, wealthy, comfortably well off! Now, what shall comprise my first "story?"

WHO IS THE REAL LADY? CHABLIS AND PAULA'S CHICKEN LEG SWASHBUCKLER ON RIVER STREET! DID PETE LIAKAKIS SELL TICKETS TO THE FIGHT TO MAKE UP FOR FLAT PROPERTY VALUES? DID METRO PD RACK UP 10 MILLION IN JAYWALKING FINES THAT DAY? THE STORY, PLUS THE LEOPOLD'S ICE CREAM FLAVOR TO BE NAMED AFTER YOUR HUMBLE CORRESPONDENT...GOOD LORD, WHO'D WANT TO EAT THAT......NEXXXXXXTTTTTTTT!!!!