Wednesday, November 18, 2009

You Need Quotas? I Gots Quotas!

"A new study finds a lack of diversity in the key leadership positions at Football Bowl Subdivision schools and conferences", reports the Associated Press:

The Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport at the University of Central Florida released the report Tuesday. It found that for the 362 campus leadership positions studied, more than 91 percent of the officials were white.

The report examined positions such as conference commissioners, school presidents, athletic directors, faculty athletics representatives and head football coaches. It found that white men made up 77.5 percent of presidents and 82.5 percent of athletic directors.

Institute director Richard Lapchick says "the numbers simply do not reflect the diversity of our student-athletes.

So as not to be accused of complaining about something without offering a solution, I now offer my remedy for what clearly is a serious problem of Caucasian overrun. My guess is that Dick Lapchick would agree with me that the only way to tackle this is to institute strict hiring quotas for athletic directors, college presidents, head football coaches, etc. After all, it is absolutely vital that the folks in charge of our students and student-athletes should reflect, in Mr. Lapchick's words, "the diversity of our student-athletes." To accomplish this, my quota system would ensure that a certain percentage of many important groups of student-athletes would be hired for all college coaching and athletic administrative positions:

36% Functional illiterates

10% Cum Laude graduates or higher

77.3% Users of Performance Enhancing Drugs

15% Armed Robbers

4.8% Samoan warriors

18.9% Like butter and salt on their grits (92.3% for hires in the S.E.C.)

7.6% Foreign-born tennis and soccer players who don't speak English

22% Those who fathered a child before college

4.7% Rapists

1.2% Virgin Quarterbacks

9% Lied on a resume (like Central Florida coach George O'Leary)

5.5% Have been arrested for getting nekkid and showering in a car wash

0.5% Defecate in closets of female students after breaking into their dorm

In the haste to publish, I probably missed a few important groups, and for that I apologize. However, this plan should be implemented immediately to start us on the path to a much happier, much more fair and most importantly, a more diverse world of college presidents, coaches, and athletic directors. Sure, the universities may look a little more like "Animal House", but who better to handle the football player who rapes another student than an athletic director who is a fellow rapist, someone who can properly "feel their pain"? In the name of diversity, we

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