What a lovely day for a tea party. Not that kind, the other kind

"Daddy, can you take a walk with me?"  The two-year-old beckoned me away from keyboard.  It was of vital importance.  Where are we taking a walk to?  "To the kitchen table," she said in a tone akin to "where do you think we're going, you dope?  Move your butt!"  It was tea party time.  Awesome.

"Would you please get me a straw for my tea," the dame inquired.  Of course, and how about some apple slices to go with it?  "Oh, that's an absolutely idea!  That would be lovely."  Trying to avoid serving her a side of sliced finger with her gala apple, I began with the usual; how was she doing.  "Oh, I'm swell," she says, channeling an Our Gang episode she hasn't seen.

How was her teddy bear doing these days?  "She's good good good.  I sleep with her," the little princess exclaims, "then she goes rrrrooaarrr, and then she sleeps again.  Then, she goes to play with Goldilocks."  She doesn't eat Goldilocks, does she?  "Yes, she does!  And then she goes 'rrrrrrooooaarrrrr'", which I'm guessing happens to a lot of folks who eat Goldilocks.

"I hope my sister has a great day at school," she says sweetly of the older sibling she yelled bloody murder at three hours prior for getting in her face just after she awoke.  That's sweet of you, I tell her.  "Yes, and she's going to the classroom, and doing the ABC's and the numbers."  Yes, and hopefully not driving her teacher up the wall.  "Yes, she needs to drive the car down from the wall.  You don't drive the car up on the wall."  You do if you're stuck in the room with 18 seven-year-olds.

Remembering something I had read online, I rhetorically ask if Obama will be able to convince his fellow Democrats to go along with his deal to keep tax rates low.  "Yes, absolutely," the diaper-clad cable news expert intones.  Really, how do you know that, cutey-pie?  "Well, I think the hubris on display at his initial news conference, where he intoned disdain for both the Republicans with which he compromised and the Democrats who were critical of him for it showed a high level of immaturity.  But the president still has plenty of time to overcome the kerfuffle if he will show some humility and a return to the gravitas on display during the campaign."  Wait, what did you say?  "Oh, um, Daddy, can you wear the princess shoes and the tiara?"  Yes, yes I can.

"Mrroow?" the cat asks, stroking by on her way to the food bowl.  You know, cat, hey...sniff sniff.  Dang it, cat, when are going to learn that the floor on my side of the bed isn't your litter box.  "Meow?"  Yes, you.  I don't know why I talk to you.  "Neither do I, but if you had to squat on a pile of rocks to take a crap, you'd understand.  Ugh, the chafing, exacerbated by the fact that I have to use my tongue to clean it off.  Try taking sandpaper topped with millions of miniature thorns to your hiney, Dude!"  No, the cat did not just say that.  "Mrroww?"  Um, Princess, did the cat just say something.  "Yes, she said meeeeeeeeowwwww."  Okay, thought I was losing it.  Or rather, that I had lost it even more than in the previous paragraph.

"Okay," my Fancy Nancy clone says, "it's time to paint."  Imaginary paint, of course.  On our kitchen wall.  Which could desperately use some real paint to cover up all the scratches, but I resist the urge to give it to her.  What are you painting today?  "I'm painting a Charlie Brown Christmas."  And with that, the tea party ends.  A waste of an hour?  Not on your life.

I Missed The Tea Party

High tea was served at Savannah's Forsyth Park on the 5th of July, and I missed it. How depressing. First, every Tea Party needs a mad hatter, and secondly, the food would have been outstanding because I just watched the high tea episode of Two Fat Ladies the other day. The grub I could have brought would have been a delicious companion to the pork that was there.

Although it's name presents a bit of irony for a Tea Party, the Queen Alexandra sandwich would have been the perfect snack for Monday's gathering. You start with a mustard butter, tart and Southern all in one. Add some simple chicken salad - poached chicken with some mayo, salt, pepper, and some hot sauce. Finally, you top the sandwich with an ingredient for which there is never a shortage at a tea party - tongue. You could 'bam' it a la Emeril, but since 'bam' is also the middle of 'Obama', that might not be a good idea for a Tea Party.

A Tea Party also needs good tea, no Mal-Wart generics please. Some folks prefer blends such as Earl Grey or Irish Breakfast, some prefer green tea, but since most Tea Partiers likely prefer 'made in the USA', the only place growing tea in the States is the nearby Charleston Tea Plantation on Wadmalaw Island in South Carolina. Savannah Bee Company on Broughton and Brighter Day Natural Foods on Bull Street are among the places you can find Charleston Tea around here. A cup with a teaspoon or two of Savannah Bee Company honey will make your innards wanna dance. I have never made Charleston Tea iced, but I don't see why it wouldn't make a fine old fashioned sweet tea, and you'd definitely need iced sweet tea for a Tea Party down here. Of course, one of the perfect companions to sweet tea is a barbecue pork sandwich, which perhaps explains why Jack Kingston spoke at the Savannah Tea Party.

Congressman Kingston knows that I can make that crack and remain his friend. I like Jack and always have. When the radio station budget cut me and many others out of jobs last year, Jack called my house twice over the ensuing month to ask after me and my family (John Barrow also called, but then again, I live in his district. Kidding, John!). Unlike some Members, I have no doubt that Jack believes in his convictions, one of which just happens to be that earmarks, the Member of Congress euphemism for pork dollars, are a good thing. Many times on my old show and in private conversation, Mr. Kingston passionately defended earmark spending saying good projects, particularly those dealing with the military and national defense, wouldn't see the light of day if he wasn't able to steer that money around the grubby hands of the faceless Washington bureaucrat. Perhaps that's true, but it doesn't make it right, and it contravenes what the Tea Party appears to be about.

Surveys consistently show that the Tea Party is, primarily, a revolt against government spending, something President Obama and many Democrats (and some Republicans) don't seem to understand. This is why it was puzzling to see under the list of Savannah Tea Party speakers, next to the young patriots and the professional name-callers, a Congressman whose John Hancock has been attached to more than $200 million in earmarks over the last three budget years. Sure, $200 million is to Washington what the size of a 'rhymes-with-hiss' ant is to a human, but regardless of the worthiness of a pork project, most folks have figured out that you can't talk about the need for deficit reduction while simultaneously adding tens of millions to that deficit each year.

Correction, you can if you are Jack Kingston, since he represents about as safe a Republican District as you can find. As I said, I still like Jack a lot, so we will just have to agree to disagree on that type of pork and maybe enjoy the other type from Wiley's or Wall's if I am invited to the next Tea Party. I will even bring another Fat Ladies special, delectable chocolate-painted Fruit Tarts....well, I'll bring the fruit tarts as long as Nathan Deal isn't coming.