If Republicans want to kill their momentum, here's how

Everything seems to be going right for Republicans and wrong for Democrats these days. The Dems can and do try to blame Republicans for this, but they would have more credibility blaming the Animaniacs for surreptitiously dropping anvils on the heads of John Barrow and other Blue Dogs. Whether it was President Obama misreading his elective mandate, just as George W. Bush misread his after 2004, or Members of Congress being their usual incompetent selves, the Democratic majority has accomplished virtually nothing the party faithful clamored for in 2008. There is even talk that Republicans could take control of Congress in midterm elections this year, though I still believe that is unlikely. One reason it is unlikely is Dan Coats, the former Republican Senator from Indiana who has decided to run for his old office this year. What, were they not able to get Tom DeLay to change his residency? Did Richard Nixon's corpse politely decline to run?

The fact that Dan Coats is a candidate is the latest evidence that, apparently, no political party is capable of true change. They talk about change, they sometimes elect new blood, but they always revert to the same old, good ol' boy, back slapping, turning a blind eye to conflicts of interest shenanigans of the past. When Dan Coats speaks of himself as a conservative as he inevitably will, unless he is referring to his attempt to use a comb-over to conserve his head from the sunshine, he shouldn't be able to keep a straight face. The fact that moderate Democrat Evan Bayh chose to retire from the Senate rather than potentially face what should have been a cupcake opponent speaks volumes about what some Democrats think about their party these days.

Seriously, a Bayh-Coats race should be akin to Georgetown-Savannah State on the basketball court. Just before his retirement announcement, one poll had Bayh holding a 20-point lead over Coats in a hypothetical race. Why would this be the case in a time of Republican resurgency? Maybe it's because that since Coats left office in 1998 rather than face the opposition of Bayh, Coats has become a millionaire by lobbying for folks like Bank of America and Chrysler to receive millions of your (and my) tax dollars in the form of bailouts. Conservatives probably aren't enthralled that Coats has also lobbied for many companies that have become close allies of Obama, such as Google and the major pharmaceutical manufacturers. It is very ironic that Democrats are also attacking Coats for lobbying for those folks even though those companies were major supporters of health care and other portions of Obama's agenda. Oh, and did I mention that Coats also moved to and registered to vote in Virginia?

Just as Democrats are killing their 2008 revolution by moving away from appealing to folks other than their base of lefties, some Indiana Republicans seem ready to put a chink in the armor of the current GOP uprising by nominating one of the reasons they lost their majority in Congress. It seems that "change" always stays the same in Washington, because those in Washington apparently like it that way.

Litmus this

Boy, it sure was swell this morning, having my coffee with my biscuit, gravy, grits, sausage, bacon, eggs, oatmeal (gotta watch the ole ticker), chocolate cake, milk, and orange juice for breakfast, followed by a half-pack of unfiltered Camels. A big, Southern boy breakfast like that hits the spot when I am trying to become angry. After all, every white man is an angry white man. An angry, right-wing, tea-bagging white man, though I usually hold off on tea until the afternoon. Wait, tea? Why, that would mean that this angry, white, Southern, right-wing Jesus freaky dude would actually be a lefty commie pinko frog-licking figure skating fan. What's wrong with me? Maybe it's because I don't meet all of the litmuses (or is the proper term litmi) of the supposed litmus tests many folks in this country would apply to me.

I am Southern and proud of it. When I say that to some people, they assume that I have a giant Confederate battle flag outside my house, a flag to which the entire family salutes every morning at daybreak as we sing "Dixie" (well, the toddler sings "Mississippi Mud", but we're working on that), while the hired help makes our breakfast and washes all my white hoods. You haven't lived until you hear a Canadian wife sing "Dixie." We draw beards and hats on our dollar bills so that George Washington resembles Robert E. Lee, and we never, ever buy Northern toilet paper, even if it's half-price. Ludicrous? Of course, but you wouldn't believe how difficult it is to convince some people that being a Southerner doesn't mean you long for the days of "Roots", the Ed Asner/Chuck Connors side of "Roots" anyway.

Stereotyping like that shouldn't happen in 2010, but it does and not just to Southerners. There are a legion of folks who believe that President Obama at this moment, at least after he prays to Mecca and shreds his real birth certificate one more time, is using the Folgers Crystals commercial formula to secretly insert Instant Islam and Karl Marx For Kiddies into the school lunches of every child in America. He then holds his daily meetings with the Eternal Flamers, the gay and we don't mean happy gay lobbying group, to conjure up ways to turn half the population into homosexuals through mass exposure to musical theater and women's softball. It must be working, because I checked out two Fred Astaire movies and two Gene Kelly movies from the library last week and also have a strange urge to pitch underhanded.

On the other side, there are folks who faithfully believe that Rush Limbaugh is about to give marching orders to millions through headsets that look like Bluetooth but were actually installed by Cybermen imported from a "Doctor Who" episode. Those people don't eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, vote, or root for their favorite sports team unless Rush tells them to, which would explain the alarming number of Pittsburgh Steelers fans in the South. Of course, Rush can't do this until he comes back from his daily cross burning with Glenn Beck, the skeletons of Joe McCarthy, J. Edgar Hoover, and Strom Thurmond, Michael Steele, and Clarence Thomas, the latter two being white dudes in blackface, of course.

As silly as that sounds, we sadly live in an era where you are virtually banned from being part of the daily discussion of issues unless you believe in some stereotypes. Just this week, when expressing agreement with the Supreme Court's decision striking down the ban on some corporate and union campaign contributions, some folks thought I had suddenly emerged from the broom closet as "Tea-Bagger Man", fighting to ensure that all liberals are fed to the billy goats, or at least have underwear that is two sizes too small. I am still amazed that, because I believe everyone regardless of their politics should be able to say whatever they want and spend whatever they want to get their message out, some believe that necessitates an anti-gay slur, as if it is okay to use an anti-gay slur as long as you use it toward the right people.

Litmuses (or litmi, I need to look that one up) sadly don't discriminate, regardless of your politics. There are many Democrats who do not believe you are one of them unless you believe there should be no restriction on abortions at all, even if you agree with the Dems on every other issue. At the upcoming Republican National Committee meeting in Hawaii, while a handful of nutjobs hold the state's department of health hostage until they provide Obama's "real birth certificate", there is an actual litmus test proposal on the table. If it is approved, the RNC will not give money to political candidates unless they agree with the RNC on at least eight of ten "conservative principles." "You ain't a Republican unless you say Obama is a socialist poopy head. Say it, son. Say it!!" No wonder independents are so disenchanted with Washington right now. It is too bad that, even though independents have all the political power, the two major parties will never let a meaningful third-party take away the fun they have jerking us around.

Don't get me wrong. People should have principles. You don't have to compromise over everything a la Lindsey Graham, whom I always liked but who will bend over for just about anyone. But if we disagree on a few things, that's okay. You shouldn't be labeled a Klan member if you don't believe in affirmative action. You shouldn't be told you are going to burn in Hell if you don't have a problem with two guys being in love with each other. This is America, after all. I think it is anyway. Or maybe I'm just a jingoistic, flag waving, xenophobic dummy being controlled by Jeff Dunham, who, as anyone who reads the 'internets' can tell you, is actually George W. Bush in disguise.

I lost a good friend to politics. I almost died from politics. Politics suck. And I love it.

The title is a paraphrase of the distinguished line from ex-Sex Pistol Steve Jones in a commercial for the ironic 1980's campaign "Rock Against Drugs" (as the late Sam Kinison once said, "Isn't that sort of like 'Christians Against Christ?'). There is no better way to sum up my feelings about the game of politics, the dichomatic game that despite it's vast entertainment value unfortunately causes the most massive casualties among those who don't play.

The minutiae of the political game is more compelling than the oeuvre of "24." Granted I don't watch "24", but I hear it's pretty good. Politics is funnier than every episode of "Top Gear" and "Monty Python", of which I have seen most. Okay, maybe not Python, but it's pretty close. It is even makes for better viewing than the 1989 Ric Flair/Ricky Steamboat match at WrestleWar in Nashville (where Flair regained the gold!). But politics also infuriates as much as a Flair/Steamboat 2009 rematch, brought to you by Depends and Cialis, would.

After I discovered Rush Limbaugh in the Fall of 1990, I became a committed conservative and actively sought to help Republicans beat the snot out of Democrats. Some friends and I were in the extreme minority when wore mournful black armbands on the campus of Jacksonville State University (Jacksonville, Alabama in case you are wondering) the day after Bill Clinton beat H.W. Bush in '92. Then sometime between '92 and 2000, it occurred to me that most Republicans weren't actually conservatives, and on some issues neither was I.

There was no single 'Road To Damascus' conversion moment. Perhaps it was the lame excuses made by Republican Members of Congress (henceforth known only as Members) for spending my tax money on things that would be named after them, manicures, research on rabbit dung, or whatever else tickled their fancy. Their favorite reason seemed to be "if we don't give out pork, these 'worthwhile projects' will never get money via the federal bureaucracy." Translation, "recipients of pork money are the hookers and we, the Members, are the pimp daddies, and it feels goooooooood." Prostitution minus the farking* (or in some cases with the farking.) In their rare moment of honesty, many Democrat Members were at least up front in saying they wanted to bring home the bacon for their constituents. Deficit? What deficit?

Perhaps it was hearing for the 8,745th time that our public schools would be fantastic if only Jesus (or Juh-EEE-sus depending on where you live) were allowed in the schoolhouse door. To paraphrase my friend, diehard conservative and devout Catholic Michael Graham, do you really want a government employee telling your kids how to pray? It could have been the country's ridiculous war on drugs where the purveyors of the illegal stuff are always three steps ahead of those trying to stop them while, simultaneously, some believe that my enjoyment of a perfectly legal cigar puts me in the same class as the Roman soldiers who led Juh-EEE-sus up Golgotha.

When my right-wing passions cooled, however, that did not mean I became a liberal. Anyone who is willing to trust the government to take care of them in any way, especially their health care, might be in need of a lobotomy. (You better hurry up and get that Starbucks brain stir stick quick, as there might be a Webster's Dictionary-sized waiting list this time next year.) I tried to relax and watch both sides drone on and on about how much the other party was making the Founding Fathers drink even harder in their afterlife than they did on earth (yes, they consumed. A lot.). But now, though I want to continue to enjoy the Washington cock and hen fights, it is getting ever more difficult to do so.

Every time I log on to Facebook, someone's ridiculous status is yet another uncreative effort to tell me how much President Obama sucks. This is usually followed up by the worn out comments that Obama is a socialist, that he is really a Muslim, that he was actually born on the planet Felspoon where the mountains sway in the breeze (hat tip: Doctor Who), that he raises his pinky when he drinks his tea, or worst of all, is a secret Tennessee Vols fan. If you disagree with this line of inanity, The Pope immediately reserves a place in Hell for you.

Then there is the other side, the Olbermanns we will call them, named after the man who is simultaneously one of the most gifted writers and one of the worst TV hosts in the country. You think Obama sucks? It is the fault of George W. Bush. Don't like the health care plan? Bush's fault. Have painful gas because you ate too much chili last night? Hang that one on W as well. In the world of the Olbermanns, everything wrong with the world can be six-degreed back to the previous president, and judging by most of his speeches so far, Obama is a dedicated Olbermann. One more diatribe about the "mess" he "inherited", as if he accidently became president through no fault of his own, will cause a major upchuck of my morning PB&J. And then I will blame Bush.

So, sadly, politics is usually a taboo subject, lest I lose the ability to converse with most of the people I know. It is sometimes difficult watching from the sidelines as the Dems, who are concurrently terrified of ticking off Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and people making decisions for themselves, take on the GOP, who are concurrently terrified of ticking off Glenn Beck or the producers of "Meet The Press" and people making decisions for themselves. But living a life of talking and writing about baseball, old movies, beer, college football, beer, cigars, and beer is a pretty good one. "But you aren't making a difference in the world" the lefty and righty nut jobs would say. Sure I am. I hope to help cure the aneurysms you nut jobs cause. But if I don't, you could always see if a politician will get you a "grant", then you should blame Bush, then see a doctor. Well, hurry and see a doctor while you still can.


*God Bless Drew Curtis, founder of FARK, the greatest web site.....in THE WORLD!