Wednesday, June 30, 2010

7 Reasons You Should Love Peanut Butter Jelly

As you will find out below, I don't think there are actually seven reasons, and I am also not referring to that dippy song, whose 28-word lyric has about as much to do with PB&J as the Troy Davis protesters have to do with Troy Davis. The real health food; the breakfast, lunch, dinner, afternoon, pre-workout, post-workout and midnight snack of champions. The only accompaniment for white bread that makes white bread taste like something other than plaster of Paris. Yes, yes I have.

Unlike some, I am not picky about the type of peanut butter or jelly used on a PB&J as long as it is not the junky "low-fat" peanut butter, which should be declared an abomination against The Lord by the next Vatican council, and I'm not even Catholic. George Washington Carver should come back from the dead and open up a can on the descendants of Edward "Skippy" Williamson and Frederick "Jim" Armstrong for developing this heresy. "But peanut butter is fatty." Yes, but it is good fat, good for your heart, good for your soul, good for your lovin'.

Sure, the PB usually comes in only two flavors, but how many more do you need when those two are so delightful? There's chunky, which is crunchy and funky like a monkey, but my personal favorite is smooth. However, unless I am mistaken, it hasn't been called smooth in years, it is now "creamy", because some brilliant marketing person decided that creamy sounded more appealing than smooth. Because where would the English language be without iconic phrases such as "creamy move, Exlax!", and "creamy as a baby's bottom." And who could forget Sade's 1984 smash "Creamy Operator?" The same person who replaced 'smooth' with 'creamy' on the peanut butter jar is probably the same genius who told us the only way to get anyone to read what you write is to MadLibs headline it "(number between 4 and 100) Ways (or another acceptable noun) to/you should (verb) (any activity; you get more readers if it has something to do with your sex life or a part of your anatomy)."

Some folks say they only acceptable jelly for a true PB&J is the Gold Standard, Welch's Grape. Sure, it's authentic, but if all you had on hand were some strawberry or peach preserves, especially if they were homemade, how could you turn up your goober at that? In fact, I have yet to find a jelly that doesn't go with peanut butter - a personal favorite is blackberry. Oh, and please, spare me the pre-mixed peanut butter and jelly, the jars with the disturbing tiger stripes in the PB aisle. Yes, our lazy society was crying out in despair at the thought of having to wash one extra knife or spoon so you wouldn't get PB in your jelly jar. What will they think of next, frozen crustless PB&J's? What a waste of money and a waste of the fun that is making your own PB&J.

No, I don't have a hip viral video like the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song, at least not yet, but I don't need a Flip camera, a hot tub, a live chicken, and a giant vat of Peter Pan to do justice to the greatest the WORLD. I realize I haven't addressed those who cannot enjoy this fruit of the earth because of their allergy to peanuts. This is an epidemic that must be stopped immediately so these fine people can be smooth like us! We should make plans for a telethon hosted by Sonny Dixon, because everyone loves giving money to Sonny. How about "Hands Across Plains", a giant peanut butter Slip-n-Slide...okay, maybe not that one. We definitely will need a "We Are The World" type of song, but be careful what you write. When I asked my seven-year-old for a word that rhymed with peanut, she said "chicken butt."


  1. You say there are only two flavors, but how many more do you need? Just one more - a long time ago (I don't remember the brand, but it was one of the major ones) had "flavored" peanut butter and they had a crunchy apple cinnamon peanut butter. It was very delicately flavored and I loved spreading it on fresh fruit. It kept me from snacking on potato chips. But, sadly they took it away and I miss it! :(

  2. Oh, Ray. You are one funny man. For me PB and blackberry jelly is the way to go. 'Specially if my mama made the jelly.