Rembember, Vols, you asked for it

Now that Lane Kiffin is leaving Tennessee after one season filled with some decent football and a lot of tongue, I must admit I am going to miss the guy. Oh, sure, I will get to see him on TV more than ever, but unlike if Kiffin had stayed at Tennessee another few years, it won't be the same.

Granted, he will be all over the telly because, regardless of the righteous indignation you currently hear from some commentators, Lane is tailor-made for the Hollywood treatment his predecessor, Pete Carroll, always received. Kiffin is young and hot and can talk s*#@. It doesn't matter whether he has any coaching ability. He is a looker and can yap, and that is all that matters in the world of big time television these days. Just look at how Carroll was treated even after revelations that Reggie Bush may have been making more money in college than he does with the Saints. The media couldn't wait to be seen next to him, the pathetic hot dog eaters desperate to hang with the cool guy.

If you are offended by the fact that Kiffin does talk a bunch, tough, because that is a badge of honor in 2010. Kiffin wears that badge in the form of a rap song, "Banned From TV" from Lil Wayne, which includes the line "smoke weed, talk s--- like Lane Kiffin." Kiffin will be the "in" thing, at least for now. If his team starts winning, look out, because he might actually become an appendage of ESPN (ESPNK, anyone?) Shoot, it already happened a little last year. Remember CBS's sideline reporter interviewing Kiffin first, rather than Urban Meyer, after the Vols lost to Florida?

So why am I kind of sad to see Kiffin leave the SEC? If nothing else, he injected some badly needed color into the league, even if he had to stick his foot in his mouth to do so. He clearly got under the skin of Meyer. Granted, that was pretty much the main reason he was hired by the Vols, who had just thrown the coach that got them a national title under the bus. Kiffin's act, unfortunately, has already been done in the SEC (see Spurrier, Steve). Now, Kiffin can go hang out at the beach and probably win a few more games playing in the weakling Pac-10 as opposed to the conference that has the last four BCS titles.

My crazy Urban Meyer theory; Notre Dame dissed him

Unlike other reports about Urban Meyer's Christmas decision to resign as Florida's coach, then reverse himself after a single Sugar Bowl practice the very next day, this column does not rely on what the coach or anyone connected to the university has said over the past week. It does not rely on those often-used (and sometimes fabricated) "sources close to the Florida program." This is pure speculation as to why Meyer did what he did, but until answers are forthcoming that are more convincing than those given by Meyer during his pre-Sugar Bowl news conference, the truth could indeed lie somewhere amongst the speculators. Some believe the truth points north, to South Bend, Indiana.

After Tyrone Willingham was fired by Notre Dame following the 2004 season, one of the names at the top of the list of prospective replacements was Urban Meyer, who had just coached Utah to an undefeated season. Meyer, who is Catholic, used to be an assistant with the Irish and has on a number of occasions described Notre Dame as his "dream job." But for whatever reason, probably money since we are discussing college football coaches, Meyer instead was lured to the opening at Florida. Since coming to Gainesville, Meyer had said several times that he would never leave Florida for South Bend. Just last month, Meyer said he would stay with the Gators "as long as they'll have me."

That, however, was before Meyer's Gators, ranked number one at the time, were decimated by Alabama in what appeared to be a changing-of-the-guard moment in the SEC Championship. Having won two BCS titles in five seasons and with the best player in Florida history about to leave the program, Meyer had to be wondering what there was left to prove in the Swamp. Perhaps he waited for the call from South Bend to come again as Charlie Weis's time neared it's end. Sure, he said he would never leave Florida, but college football coaches say that all the time, and who believes them anymore? Apparently, Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick believed it when Meyer said it.

During the search for Weis's successor, of all the names bandied about, the one name you did not hear mentioned was that of Urban Meyer. That surprised some of us, and I believe it stunned Meyer himself. It doesn't appear that Swarbrick even bothered to put out a feeler for Mr. "Dream Job", and that if Meyer attempted to contact Swarbrick to show interest, Meyer was ignored. Perhaps Notre Dame still stung from being passed over by Meyer five years ago. Perhaps Swarbrick took Meyer at his word that he would never leave Gainesville. Mr. Swarbrick apparently doesn't know that college football coaches are the best liars in the nation, well, next to Members of Congress. Then again, new Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly was surprisingly honest for the most part about being courted by Swarbrick while Kelly was still at Cincinnati. Maybe Notre Dame is one of the few schools left which wants some truthfulness from their football coach.

Meyer does have, apparently, some legitimate health problems. But the way this story has unfolded so far, there is no way that health is the only reason for his resignation and subsequent flip-flop. The Notre Dame theory may sound far-fetched and may not even be close to the truth, but it is as good a theory as any that has been given, at least until Meyer himself gives us the truth and does so convincingly.

If Richt keeps Garner as D. Coordinator, Richt will be fired 11 months from now

"I think we probably need to start out by saying what a fantastic job our defensive coaches did," coach Mark Richt said after Georgia's 44-20 blowout of a middling (at best) Big 12 team in the Jacked Up Energy Drink Used By Michael W. Smith Independence Bowl Tuesday night. It should have been obvious that Michael W. needed to be jacked to get through an entire show of his schmaltz, but that's another story. Georgia's much maligned defense was the story in Shreveport, but Richt would be a fool to let last night's game govern his decision on who becomes Georgia's next defensive coordinator.

This is not meant to take anything away from the job Rodney Garner and a collection of duct-taped pieces of fiber board did in getting the Bulldogs' defense ready. Within the context of the turmoil of the last month, that performance was remarkable. But the Georgia fan who is now clamoring for Garner to be named head of the defense going in to next season should keep two things in mind, the team that Georgia beat last night and the legacy of Dennis Felton.

Texas A&M proved last night just how much quality the Big 12 doesn't have. That was the same inept Aggies offense that scored 39 points on what supposedly is the number two team in the nation one month ago. That was the same vaunted "12th Man" special teams unit that gave up a kickoff return touchdown to the astonishing Brandon Boykin, and the Aggies sported a punting team that resembled our pathetic winless intramural team during this column's days at Jacksonville State. Sure, a win is a win, and it was great to see a Georgia team that has had so many problems this year actually produce eight victories. But this win does not tell us anything about whether a Rodney Garner-coached defense could begin to compete against the middle of the pack in the SEC, much less the conference's elite.

You may remember that two years ago, Georgia was set to fire basketball coach Dennis Felton, whose program had become a joke. Georgia decided to wait until the 2007-08 season ended, which probably wouldn't have happened in football because SEC schools care about football and, other than Kentucky, aren't sure why anyone would want to fool with a ball that is not oblong. You know the rest of the story. Felton's team got lucky and won a few games in a row, as happens in hoops sometimes. Those few games just happened to be in the SEC tounament, and Georgia athletic director Damon Evans didn't have the courage to do the right thing and say "damn the Big Dance. We're still a joke. You're still fired." The Bulldogs were pathetic last season, and the rebuilding of the program that should have started in 2008 instead began one year later.

Richt knows it doesn't matter that he has averaged almost ten wins per season in his nine years in Athens. If he doesn't compete with Florida for the division title next year, he is toast. Richt may in fact be under more pressure to win the division thanks to Urban Meyer's apparent use of a 'Magic 8 Ball' to decide his future with Florida. To win in 2010, Richt knows that Georgia needs a defensive coordinator whose resume includes more than a single victory against a middle-of-the-pack team from a less-than-stellar conference.

Fearless Freep football prediction

The question before the committee (that would be your correspondent); whom to pick in tomorrow's SEC Championship game. Number one Florida versus Number Two Alabama, with the winner to play for the fake 'national championship' of college sheetbay. 'Sheetbay' was my word for football during the toddler years. No one knows why, but it's probably for the same reason that mashed potatoes were 'week-weets', local newspaper the Dade County Sentinel was (and remains) the "weekly wipe", and brussel sprouts were "stinking, steaming pieces of monkey dookie." One cannot predict the outcome of a game of this magnitude without considering all the proper intangibles.

Much space could be wasted analyzing the offenses and defenses of the Tuscaloosa Packaderms and the Steve Irwin (RIP) Back Riders from the Everglades. Much has also been made of the two head coaches, Urban Meyer (henceforth referred to as Notre Dame's Next Head Coach, or NDNHC) and Nick Saban (henceforth referred to as Gawd). But those analyses would cause the oversight of the two factors that will decide tomorrow's game; books and Tim Tebow's private life.

Tebow, as you may know, makes Dale Murphy look like Michael Vick. But sources tell me that the ghost of legendary Bama booster Logan Young is stalking Tebow in Atlanta as we speak, armed with copious amouts of (alleged) Spanish Fly. A few spikes of Tebow's pomegranate juice cocktail (hold the pomegranate) and Mr. Heisman promise ring will spend the wee hours of Big Game Eve at the Gold Club shouting "Praise Gawd!" ("Did someone call me?" asked Saban.) While Tebow on 37 minutes of sleep will still be better than Rex Grossman and Danny Wuerffel combined, it will slow him down. That alone, however, won't give The Guys With the Big Trunks the victory. The win will come because of Bama's talent with the written word.

My sources tell me that Bama has secretly acquired NDNHC's playbook, and that players have used their scholarship money to purchase copies for the entire team, along with 53-percent of the Alabama student body, at Buffalo Phil's Pub and Used Bookstore. As Jesse "The Body" Ventura used to say, "cheaters always win and winners always cheat", or as Saban said, "The strong survive, but sometimes, the strong cheat their @$&* off." The adept fingering of the UF playbook will lead to seven Leigh Tiffin field goals (since Bama still won't be able to get in the end zone.) Final score: Dumbo 21, Wally Gator 14.

Immediately after the game, NDNHC will become NDHC approximately 14 minutes after denying that ND even exists except in the 5th Dimension of the McCoo Galaxy. Gawd will be sent to South Korea and cloned. The clone will be cryogenically frozen, placed in the HealthSouth Memorial tank, and buried at Elmwood next to the plaid-hatted 'Daddy Of Gawd', ensuring fake national titles for Tusky in perpetuity. That is at least until there is a playoff and real national titles to win.