Monday, December 7, 2009

Another Bowl Copout

As expected, and as predicted by some goofy, no-talent writer a few days ago, the Crimson Heffalumps will play the Porterhouse Steaks Of The Future in the Mr. Rogers Land Of Make Believe Bowl for the fake national championship of college football. No surprise there, even though one could make an excellent case that TCU played at least as difficult a schedule as Texas and was much more dominant than the 'Horns. But all that is au jus on my prime rib now. The big beef, again, lies in the rest of the bowl schedule, some of which looks as if it were put together by Bozo The Clown's old sidekick Whizzo (doo-de-doo-de-doo-de-doo!)

First, the BCS bowl honchos must have gotten a conference call from SEC Commissioner Mike Slive, ACC Commish John Swofford, and Big East boss man Humpty Dumpty a few days ago that went something like this: "Hey, Fiesta Bowl?" "Si Senor?" "You gotta take TCU and Boise." "Si. Por que?" "'Cause we can't have them embarrassing us the way Utah embarrassed Gawd (Nick Saban, if you are just joining us) last year at the High Fructose Corn Syrup Bowl." "Si." By all rights, either TCU or Boise State should be playing Florida in New Orleans, while the other should be playing Georgia Tech in the "Okay, Remind Us Again Of The Person Who Tied Us In To The Crummy ACC So We Can Fire His Butt Bowl" in Miami.

Lastly, one could look at the Gator Bowl as a crisis since it passed over We Miss The Thugs U. and Michael Vick?, Who's He? U. (9 wins each), as well as Auburn With A Lake* and Remember Us, We Had Doug Flutie and...some other guys College (8 wins each) in favor of watching 6-6 Florida State lose again. The claim is that since it is the final game for retiring coach Bobby Bowden, the game will sell out. Since the only things that sell out in Jacksonville are "The World's Largest Cocktail Party" between Florida and Georgia and tractor pulls, the city needs the booties in the seats even if it means putting the 100th best team in college football in a New Year's Day bowl game. While it isn't fair, it isn't that big a deal. If nothing else, it gives players with the Indigenous Persons Who Greased NCAA Palms More Than Those From Illinois one more chance to cheat on those ridiculously tough exams in Sports Psychology and Music Cultures Of The World without the head coach taking the fall.

Also, one more time...with feeling. The reason for the moniker "fake national championship" is simple. You can't have a real national champion without a playoff. It is not possible, and no reasonable person can make an argument otherwise. Of course, that opinion and 99 cents will buy you one of those giant pickles at the convenience store, so until next time, doo-do-doo-de-doo-de-doo.

* RIP Lewis Grizzard

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